Water voles and otters responsible for recent flooding in the UK says new Government tasks force

Water voles and otters responsible for recent flooding in the UK says new Government tasks force

Like This Video 1436 Dr Dan Del Monte
Added by August 21, 2015

Leaked footage, allegedly recorded by the Russian Foreign Intelligence Service, has emerged of a secret meeting of a secret new secret Anti-Flooding Task Force set up in secret by Prime Minister David Cameron.

H from steps

‘H’ from Steps the day before yesterday

The footage appears to show members of the Task force, including representatives from the Countryside Alliance and Masters of the Mink Hounds, global warming sceptic Nigel Lawson, dentist Walter Palmer (who recently treated Cameron for a horrific case of gingivitis) and H from Steps, agreeing that culling otters and water vole would probably drastically reduce flooding in the UK and definitely provide Sam Cam with a new handbag.

It is understood that the otter and water vole cull is the brain child of Environment Secretary Liz Truss who has a cycling proficiency badge and an honorary doctorate in How to fuck up the Countryside from Batley and Dewsbury Community College.

Ms Truss apparently had her ‘Eureka Moment’ whilst attending a Conservative Party witch dunking fund raiser in her South West Norfolk constituency.

In the recording, Lizz Truss can be heard saying “Eliminating the combined mass of all water voles and otters in rivers will definitely reduce the risk of floods during periods of high rainfall”.

She went on to comment “Our scientific advisers have told us the idea is ridiculous and will not work, but as we all know, science is over-rated and should always be taken with a pinch of salt especially when it contradicts Government policy. Even Terry Nutkins says so!!”.

Other radical new plans overheard being discussed at the meeting included:

  • Eradicating 80% of the UK’s bee population and enforcing a zero hours contract on the remaining 20% by replacing them with more cost effective Polish wasps.
  • Providing every London home owner with ridiculous outfit, a horse and a fox hound by 2016.
  • Enlisting Cumbrian moles to work on fracking projects in the North of England and paying them in tea and cucumber sandwiches.
  • Having a lay-in on a Saturday
a polish wasp

A Polish wasp yesterday

When confronted with the video evidence of the Government’s plans Prime Minister David Cameron responded with this statement:

“Flooding and many other environmental issues have plagued this fine country of ours for long enough, I totally support Liz and her crackpot culling scheme. The otter and water vole cull is definitely the right thing to do. It is definitely not a complete waste of tax payers’ money or a ploy to make the British voting public think we are tackling the problem of flooding when we are clearly not. By the way, all badgers are twats.”

Mr Cameron then left pretending to be in a hurry.

Terry Nutkins was unavailable for comment.

The video footage of the secret task force meeting during a comfort break can be viewed below.

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